hi. yes. it’s me again.
in yet another cycle of staring intensely at my textbook, going for unneeded toilet breaks and staring into the paint cracks of my wall with a nihilistic dread, I find myself drowning in air once again, unable to accept the unpredictability of the papers that await me at the frontline, waiting wryly to slay/be slain.
and, as if this has become some biannual ritual, I find myself creeping back to this space as a self-deceiving tactic that yes I have plenty of time left to study.
this time, I think I screwed up one of my papers that I had been so desperately trying to prepare for. keyword: I think. I shan’t provide much context, but let’s just say chinese is a subject I’ve been utter crap at. yet, I haven’t ever stopped myself from trying at least, because I’ve always had faith that there would come a day that I would pass and a little more. that day has yet to come, but it definitely wasn’t yesterday.
this year, chinese is more important to my final report card than it has ever been. it determines whether or not I will have to take it as a subject next year which god so help me I do not want or else I’d have to spend another two more years with an indelible, ugly, inconspicuous blot on every results slip I receive. I’m sick of that.
so I’ve been working my butt off to wrench myself out of this sorry pit of deficiency and existential angst by going for classes every Sunday morning and memorising lines. I thought I was actually getting somewhere, only to find out through post-exam discussions with friends (which are overtly toxic though I still partake in them) that I might’ve (keyword, again: might’ve) written out of point for the composition component. I cannot describe THE WEIGHT with which my heart sank.
the thing is, my ‘failure’ is all still speculative, yet I seem to have already assimilated it into my bodily and mental system as a gargantuan bolder that once again I’ve failed to roll away. because of this, I’m admittedly losing faith in my own abilities for other completely unrelated papers in the upcoming exam week.
I don’t know what the point of this post is. maybe it’s just me finding an excuse to continue this chronicle of exam-related laments in a virtual space for some bored stranger to pry on.
I guess I just feel disappointed. I think the hardest times to be disappointed about something is when you are unsure of what exactly you’re being fazed by in the first place. or if there really is anything to be let down about in all actuality.
ok, geography calls. I hope that even if I fail my chinese paper, I won’t be discredited for my efforts. there is a difference.